The Species called Fatma
(from the diaries of the Anti-Guru)
Ah, the creatures you meet on Facebook. You don’t even have to add them as friends for them to come flocking, filling your inbox with comic inspiration all year long. This particular source for alien encounters offers a great variety and abundance at very low maintenance, often presenting you with opportunities to discover new internet life forms by virtue of your membership alone.
Just recently, I had the honor to converse with a young Australian “lady”, who was obviously in the process of confusing Tupac Shakur with Hemingway. I know that my English is far from perfect, but after this little display of linguistic ingenuity, I was feeling pretty close to Hemingway myself.
I invite you to venture with me into the world of written anarchy:
(Names have been modified to protect the identity of the participants)
Between You and Fatma
Fatma December 11 at 2:38am:
yyu like this yya dog cum sux/mii ass yuu will luv it more
Me December 11 at 10:41am
Where are you from? Your English needs a little work, but I’m sure it will improve with practice. If you need some help, just let me know. 
Fatma December 12 at 7:49am
shut the fuk up yya bacon
Me December 12 at 10:13am
Wow, that’s really sad – you can’t even spell “fuck” properly.
Like I said, the offer still stands. If you need help in improving your English, I would be happy to provide my assistance!
Fatma December 13 at 5:58am
maybe yuu should learn that its called abrevation yya fat ugly slut yya mole
Me December 13 at 9:38am
Lesson number one:
The word “you” has three letters. So does “yya” or “yuu”. To abbreviate, you are required to shorten the original length of the word, which you obviously didn’t.
You simply spelled it wrong.
If you require any more assistance, please let me know!
Fatma December 13 at 9:45am
fuck upp yur really doing mii head in get over ya self slut muffin yya dog
Me December 13 at 9:53am
Now that was barely literate, my dear. 
Please try again and make more of an effort to construct your sentences properly. I seriously advise that you add some punctuation.
I know you can do it!
Fatma December 13 at 9:55am
fuk uur sad yur really doin mii head in fuck off yya wanka sls
Me December 13 at 9:59am
I am sorry, but you did not complete the assignment as planned. Please try again and focus on providing your sentences with structure using punctuation. Once you have learned to apply this skill, we can move on to the next challenge.
Don’t give up! You’re almost there!
Fatma December 13 at 11:14am
fuck uur mum yya slutt…fuck uur sad
Me December 13 at 11:21am
Wow! Great work! Your effort to structure your sentences and spell the word “fuck” correctly is noted. The word “fuck” is now part of your active vocabulary. Keep up the good work!
Lesson number two:
Let’s try the word “you”. Please repeat after me: y-o-u
Now let’s try applying it!
Fatma December 13 at 11:29am
now lets try and apply this ima going to cut you and yur family up and put you in a bag and feed you to yur dog yya ugly mole how is that for yya now fuck off and try to remane calmt
Me December 13 at 11:35am
Good job! You have successfully spelled the word “you” correctly three times.
Don’t give up! With practice, you will eventually spell it right every single time. Don’t let yourself get frustrated by minor setbacks; at first, it is normal to make mistakes when you start learning a new language!
Let’s try again and don’t forget that punctuation!
Fatma December 13 at 2:43pm
go fuuk uur self yya fucken devill
Me December 13 at 4:44pm
Uh oh. Check your spelling; you seem to have slipped back into your old habits. Could it be that you are not feeling up to it today?
I suggest taking a break and trying again tomorrow. You’ve worked very hard and deserve a little time to recover!
I’m looking forward to our next lesson!
Fatma December 13 at 11:10pm
yya dumb kunt shutt tthe fuck up yya slut…….fuk uur sad gett a life yya wanka…
Me December 14 at 5:05pm
You know what’s sad?
All this time I was waiting for you to write back in English, telling me what a fool I was to have fallen for such a silly prank. 
I refused to believe that someone living in AUSTRALIA could be so intellectually deprived and illiterate; I was sincerely hoping that you were just kidding with all this pseudo rap garbage. Unfortunately, it seems that I was wrong.
You can’t read and write proper English, can you? Are you even capable of writing a real sentence or spelling correctly with any consistency?
Do you even read books?
If not, you have my condolences. I seriously suggest you get some help and find someone to teach you properly. It’s never too late to learn, particularly when it comes to something as fundamental as your country’s official language. Don’t be ashamed to get help; you’ll thank me one day, trust me on that. Being ignorant and illiterate is NOT cool.
